Mon Bon Ami

My cheeks are soaked with tears dropping nigh,
The eyes are sore from an anguish cry,
Is this the beginning of a rift from thy?
Ask myself I do, as each day passes by.

For this is a hardship , that I can't face,
Too weak I am, to let it grace,
Remember I do, of those good old days,
When thy would accept my sinful ways.

Don't let this sin of mine cloud your senses,
For sinned I have, but didn't mean no offenses,
Hurt you, I may've, with my actions so frayed,
But remember my friend, we have crossed those fences.

This is my last forlorn effort towards redemption,
Tell me my friend what is your presumption.
Are we still good, ol' friend of mine?
I shall promise thy, never again shall I cross the line.

You can't break me

You can try as hard as you may,
My will is too strong to give away,
I have fought many a demons in my life,
Humbled and defeated,in my past they lie.

Not long ago in the past,
At its peak was my chagrin in you,
For all the hardshsips thrown at me,
Thought I, that a befitting reply was due.

The harships I've faced has thickened my skin,
Grown I have accustomed to your ways,
May be there is a meaning to all that you do,
It's essence is what gives me hope of better days.

So bring it on , I shall bear no grudge,
Ready I am, to face the full brunt of your force,
Let the mind games begin,
After all, it's high time I settle some scores.

In time I shall be strong enough to stand up to you,
Look you in the eye without a twitch,
And with the utmost conviction shall I say,
"You can't break me, try as hard as you may".


A small attempt to depict the conflict of my mind. One part of me has exuberant confidence whereas the other side still is lost in an ocean of self doubt and low self confidence. This is a conversation that my stronger side is having with my weaker side. A little of coming out of a shell you see :) I hope you liked it.

My Innermost Thoughts - Part III : Mind of a confused soul

~ Mind Over matter ~

The secret of living a life of excellence is merely a matter of thinking thoughts of excellence. Really, it's a matter of programming our minds with the kind of information that will set us free. - Charles R. Swindoll

[Caution: Extreme philosophy. Not for the light hearted or my blog haters. Criticism is welcome as long as it is unbiased and by that I mean in my favor :)]

"There is an unruly feeling in the crowd. They can be found most of the time staring blankly at their screens. The ocassional click of the mouse is the only thing which signals that they are still alive. The pressure of performance is showing on their faces. This is a do or die situation for an otherwise easy-come-easy-go merry making kinds. The time has come to prove a point and they can't seem to map that point anywhere on the graph because the graph is so vast that there is a problem of plenty(of points). Even after mapping the point, there is that fear of the point becoming obscured and slowly growing itself to encompass other points ,thus widening the focus required.The only consolation they have is the faith and belief in the system which has proven time and again that failures are accepted,albeit once."

Sounds philosophical? It is far from it. This is a scenario of a typical Software company when freshers join and are slowly bridging the gaps to cross over from college life to professional life. Imagine yourself to be standing in front of a hundred new recruits and looking at their unsure faces and trying to make sense out of the awkwardness they are feeling about the whole situation. They are being "trained" to be Professionals and you are imparting that training. Sounds scary? It's far from it..

I recently had this chance of being part of the learning program for the freshers and sharing some "Gyaan" that I have gathered in one year of my professional life. I know one year is a short time to pick up all the nuances of professionalism but it certainly was a very introspective experience for me. As I stood their, teaching them about what little I have managed to learn, I got a mixed feeling of "Deja Vu" and "Nostalgia". Not long ago I was at the other end ,wearing that same unsure-ness on my face and giving myself into the system trusting it to mould me into the person that I wanted to become. You can call this an act of faith , but I saw it as a pragmatic approach. Now I saw the same faith in them , in me, and that scared me a little. One year is indeed a very short time to map ourselves in the industry and without that clear mapping we ourselves are afraid to put faith in our abilities and knowledge. So seeing someone looking up to you for guidance , will certainly make you a little apprehensive but you will get over that after hearing to them gleefully expressing their gratitude and faith in you. So I was really surprised when I received the same from them after completing the training. It was a huge relief to me because the fear of performing was more in me than them. That fear had its roots deep in my mind and was subjugated to further growth due to lack of self belief. Overcoming this fear was a big challenge and I am happy that I have done that.This is one experience that I shall never forget in my life.

In a generic way this is a scenario which people face everyday in their lives. The sheer pressure of performance and that mindset of meeting other people's expectations, is the pulling force behind a person's feeling of worthlessness. Man goes through various phases in life and in each of these phases he is working for someone and meeting the needs of others around him. So when realization finally hits him hard in the face , it's too late to get back all the time spent in trying to be the one that others want him to be. An act of rebuilding once self esteem should not be the last forlorn effort. We should imbibe that into our list of virtues so that going forward in our lives, we don't feel lost. Then the points in the graph and the graph itself will become crystal clear to us and mapping ourselves to these points and seeing as to where we stand will be just a case of "Mind over matter".

Dark Angel

I am willing to let go and fall into your arms,
Help me free myself from the worldly harms,
Take me as I am, take me now,
To your deathly gallows, I shall bow.

Rescue me from this haunted state,
Wipe my tears for this pain to abate,
Make them suffer your wrath,
They have pushed me too far, they hath.

There is pain running through my veins,
Their betrayal is worst than the blood stains,
I killed for them, took many a innocent life,
Only to leave behind many a widowed wife.

I repent my sins, for it’s of the worst kind,
Their web of lies had left me blind,
I thought this was a fight for a noble cause,
And a few innocent lives, were no one’s loss.

Little did I realize that it was all a big sham,
The cause was only as noble as I am,
Abused to spread terror around the world,
They walked this earth with their souls sold.

At last I have repaid my debts to the widowed wives,
By killing those with the soul-less lives,
It’s time for me to call it a day,
I want to reach you, show me the way,
Oh the blessed Dark Angel of mine,

Where art thou? Just give me a sign.

The above poem describes the last thoughts of a terrorist. He is seeking the Dark angel - which is the Angel of death, because he knows his time has come. For all the sins he committed, spreading violence, motivated by a fanatically advocated hatred, he realizes his mistakes and tries to redeem his soul by killing the perpetrators of that hatred - those who instilled it in him and brainwashed him into a walking assassin devoid of any emotion.

My Innermost Thoughts - Part II : A virus called pretention

Man is a make-believe animal: he is never so truly himself as when he is acting a part.
-- William Hazlitt

What did you do this weekend?

Such a simple question to answer right? Not if you are 23 year old Software Engineer, with no personal life and who’s only pass time is writing blogs!

Every time somebody asks me this question, I feel this pang of guilt in my heart that I don’t let myself have a good time. So many times I have thought of forgetting about work and stress and just have a good time. And every time I have thought of it, I have either ended up in one of those malls watching stupid movies and eating overpriced food which otherwise I would have fed to a dog OR spending time with friends talking about things that 23 year old(or rather young) software engineers with no personal life talk about. The latter sounds good. But after 4 years of doing it you will get bored of the routine, trust me. So all this made me think (which is an occasional activity for my, an otherwise under-worked brain). What is the best possible way to enjoy myself in these brief (extremely brief I must say) weekends? Then after a lot of introspection over a "two minute" period, I finally concluded that the best way of enjoying my weekends is to do what I love the most. Now that was the first step, thinking of what to do. After this came the difficult part. You must understand, me being a true hot blooded 23 year old male, there are a lot of things I love. I guess “things” is not the proper way of putting it but you must have gotten the hint by now. Anyways coming back to the point, it was difficult to identify all the things I would love to do on a weekend. So this required me a lot of thinking (and I must add a lot of work for that under-worked brain of mine!). And voila! I came up with this extremely short list of things I wanted to do:

• Extreme rafting in dangerous water with swirling currents and high waterfalls….

Well I am sort of afraid of water and in general hate to be near any sort of current so I had to cancel this from the list.

• Bungee jumping or Sky diving

Sounds like fun and worth a try some time in future. But with a general fear of altitude and a slim paycheck I had to cancel this one too. Although it’s because of the latter cause and nothing to do with heights. I am a brave person and can overcome any fear, although a flying cockroach still scares me. I know it is a small creature who’s only fault is getting wings and learning how to fly (a feat that every human wishes to do), but it still scares the shit out of me whenever I see one. Anyways I have read somewhere that you should always fear something because the absence of fear makes a man thick headed. So my fear of cockroaches is in good spirit and for my own moral well being and I am proud to say that!

Now back to my lists.

• Be myself!

Well this one was interesting and it came out of nowhere. I dismissed it at first thinking how silly it was. Then as I moved on to write the next one on the list, I started to think. And then it hit me! This is what I would love to do all my life (and not just weekends). Be myself, be unpretentious. Come to think of it, the entire time you are at work, you are pretending to be someone else because you want to be that someone. You may be a fresher with absolutely no idea about how or why you were hired, but you pretend to be knowing everything and nod your head every time your supervisor explains something to you, because you want to be that person who knows everything (If given a chance you would love to be that supervisor who’s only work seems to be giving work to others and earns three times as you even though he is a half wit and can barely count numbers let alone supervise you). You unwillingly do some a** kissing with your supervisors and pretend to be all chubby with them because you want them to like you. All this pretension however has an adverse effect on your life because it slowly transforms you into your pretension. This may sound all philosophical and it partly is, but that doesn’t mean it is not true.

And as I sat there on my bed thinking of pretensions and how I can be myself atleast for two days of a week, a lot of ideas came to my mind.

And the best way seemed to be to write about it. Writing is something which I love to do the most and add “Being myself” and it seemed like a wonderful idea, spiritual even. Writing is such a pure way out and barring some extreme cases, is extremely unpretentious. I say extreme cases as there may be some people who get confused with life and fiction and dwell on the grey area in-between.

So I will continue to do what I love the most, being myself and writing about “being myself” and hope one day find a solution to life’s meaning………….. Nah! Let’s leave that part to the philosophers shall we ;)